What I Am
by BoogaHP1D
Summary: I have to look perfect, but I don't. I have to be spectacular, but I'm not. I'm supposed to be desirable, but I never will be. And it kills me to know it. To feel it. I've been trying all my life to be beautiful, and I'm not. And I never will be. Little bit of Kames. Sadness inside. Beware!


_**A/N: I was reading a few BTR fics and they inspired me to write my first one...here goes nothing.**_

 _ **Warnings: Extreme sadness and depression**_

 _ **I do not own BTR.**_

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My Eyes.

My Ears.

My Lips.

My Hair.

My Skin.

My Face.

My Body.

It's all wrong.

I have to look perfect, but I don't. I have to be spectacular, but I'm not. I'm supposed to be desirable, but I never will be. And it kills me to know it. To feel it. I've been trying all my life to be beautiful, and I'm not. And I never will be.

Gustavo and Kelly know it.

Katie and Mama Knight know it.

Logan and Carlos know it.

And Kendall knows it.

Kendall. My Kendall.

Well, he was my Kendall. But now he's not. He got sick of my crying, and my moping. And he got sick of looking at me. I was too ugly and useless for him to love me. So he left me. For someone better. For someone beautiful.

And here, looking in the mirror, I can see why.

My bland hazel eyes are dull and lifeless, lacking any sort of spark.

My ears are too long and too pointy.

My lips are thin and unkissable.

My hair lacks any sort of shine or color, and it lies too flatly on my head.

My skin is pale and sunken it, making me look a sickly grey.

My face is ugly and uncoordinated.

My body is much to large.

It's all wrong, especially for a Diamond. Diamonds are supposed to be beautiful.

Special.

Unbreakable.

And I was none of those things.

I was ugly.

Unwanted.

And broken.

Tears are dripping down my hollowed out face and dripping down my bare chest. I wipe them away. I don't deserve to cry. Ugly and unlovable people aren't allowed to cry. I'm not allowed to cry.

But I do anyway.

I cry when I wake up and see myself in the mirror.

I cry everytime I step on the scale.

I cry whenever I see Kendall walk through the door.

I cry for what could've been.

For what I could've been.

For what I am.

So I sit on the cold, tile floor and sob.

Vicious, unrelenting sobs.

They rip me in half.

Or al least the parts of me that aren't already broken.

I don't realize how much time passes by while I sob. Until I hear Kendall pounding on the door.

"Dude, you almost done? I need to get in there. I have a date!"

I panic and become silent, keeping the unshed tears at bay.

"James?"

I stay quiet.

"James, open the door…"

I stare at the door, praying he goes away.

"James?! Open the door!" He yells now.

I don't like it when he yells. It scares me, so I cower even further into the corner.

"James!" He is pleading, begging me, but I don't move, fearful of the results.

I hear a click and the door swings open. "James…" Kendall breathes. He sees me hiding in the corner, eyes puffy and red, watering, and a look of shock crosses his face.

"Buddy, what's wrong?" He kneels on the tile and sticks and hand out to rub my shoulder. I flinch and look away.

"James, you have to tell me…" I finally find the courage to speak.

"Tell you what?" I say as nonchalantly as possible.

"Oh, I don't know! Maybe why you're sitting in the bathroom sobbing your eyes out!" His voice gets louder and I shrink. He notices this and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't of yelled…"  
"It's ok…" I respond quietly. I pull my knees into my chest and wrap my arms around myself.

"No, it's not ok…" He starts, "You're upset and it's not ok…" He pulls me into his arms and I let my head fall on his shoulder. I miss this. Whenever I'm with Kendall, I feel safe and secure. I wish that feeling never ended. But it does. He pulls away after a few minutes of silence and I sit up, staring at the ground.

"James…" He puts out a hand and pulls my head up from the chin. I continue to hold back my tears. "Why are you so upset?"

"I'm fine." I automatically respond and fold my arms over my chest.

"No, you're not fine, James...you're not ok...I can see it in your eyes that you are hurting and I want to know why so I can fix it. I hate seeing you sad. You know that...Please let me help you."

I lean into the sink cabinet and sigh. I can feel the tears stinging my eyes, and I let them fall, shaking as the sobs begin again. I mumble out a question, dreading the response.

"Do you love me?" I can't see now, tears blinding my vision and my heart is pounding in my ears. He opens his mouth to speak.

"Yes. Always, James. Forever yes…" He kisses my forehead.

"Then why did you leave? I needed you, Kendall...And you left me! I thought you didn't love me. Was it something I did. Am I not good enough?" More tears spill out and he sighs.

"Oh, Jamie...It was all my fault. I love you and the moment I stepped out the door I regretted it. I've missed you so much, James...No one compares to you." He snuggles up next to me but I pull away.

"Not even Zac Efron?" I look up at him with wide eyes.

"No James, not even Zac Efron." He laughs and pulls me closer. We just lay there, wrapped up in each others arms, enjoying the silent company. He gets up and sticks out a hand hand.

"I guess I should cancel my plans, Huh?" Kendall says. I smile and take it and he pulls me up. We walk out into our bedroom. We both lay down, not bothering to take our clothes off. We curl up into each other.

"You still didn't tell me why your were sad, Jamie?"

I look at him and respond, "It doesn't matter anymore. I'm ok now. I promise" He looks at me with sad eyes and I shut mine, not wanting to talk about it. I fall asleep soon after, embracing the darkness as it welcomes me. But Kendall lays awake and sighs. His Jamie was sad, and he didn't know how to fix it. Because James didn't trust him enough to tell him what was wrong. That was a battle for another day. Exhaustion wears him out and he finally succumbs to it, but not before making James and himself a promise. _I'm going to make you better Jamie, no matter what it costs. You will be happy. I promise._

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 ** _So how was it? Good? Bad? Leave a review and let me know...I'm not sure if I'm going to continue so I leave it up to you to decide...should I leave it as is, or continue? Let me know and thanks for reading!_**


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